Sailor Moon S(poof)
by White Wave Dancer
Summary: A spoof of Sailor Moon S! Take Sailor Moon, add White Wave Dancer feeling quite sugar high, and you've got this fic. REALLY FUNNY!! MORE TO COME R&R PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE!!
1. Default Chapter

Sailor Moon S(poof)  
by  
White Wave Dancer  
  
Author's Note: Like the title suggests, this is a spoof on my favorite season of Sailor Moon, Sailor Moon S! Please understand that I am a major Sailor Moon fanatic, and this is all done in good fun. In this part, I am using ALL the dub names, because there will be a little bit of dub-bashing, but overall, it's just poking fun at the season itself, and in part 2, I will be switching back to the original names. Also, I cannot take all the credit for this. My brother, Denis, came up with a lot of the jokes here. Thanks, bro! With that, enjoy, Sailor Moon S(poof). *applause* Thank you, thank you!  
  
  
Sailor Moon S(poof)  
Part I: Kaorinite  
  
(Scene 1: Dr. Tomoe's lab)  
  
The day begins like any other. Kaorinite watches Dr. Tomoe making diamohns. When he pours the bubbling concoction into his beaker, the cell inside begins to swell, until the beaker shatters  
  
Dr. Tomoe: Shoot! Not another one! That happens every time I try to make another diamohn! Maybe I should make these things smaller.   
  
Kaorinite: Or just buy bigger beakers.   
  
Dr. Tomoe: I don't have any money! I spent it all on these glasses that glow in the dark!  
  
Kaorinite: Wouldn't it be cheaper just to buy one big beaker instead of constantly buying new ones?   
  
A long pause  
  
Dr. Tomoe: Do you have our next target, Kaorinite?  
  
Eugeal: You see, Kaorinite, that's why, in the future, we'll use my idea of mass production with an easy bake oven.   
  
Kaorinite: (indicates the audience) Get out of here! They're not supposed to know you exist yet!   
  
Eugeal: Sorry! (leaves)  
  
Dr. Tomoe: Kaorinite, do you have our next target?   
  
Kaorinite: (As the diamohn's attack music begins playing in the background) Yes, doctor. It's a man who--  
  
Dr. Tomoe: Excuse me. (to the band) STOP THAT!! (music stops) Alright, Kaori, as you were saying?  
  
Kaorinite: I have our next target. It's a (music begins again)  
  
Dr. Tomoe: (to the band) SHUT UP!!  
  
Band member #1: Sorry, dude. We thought you wanted music.   
  
Dr. Tomoe: Not that music!   
  
Band member #2: Um, that's all we can play.  
  
Dr. Tomoe: What?!  
  
Band member #2: That's our specialty, dude. Each band here specializes in one of the pieces used most often throughout the Sail--  
  
Dr. Tomoe: Alright, alright! But you guys don't come in until the diamohn attacks, got it?  
  
Band member #3: Sure, sure.  
  
Band member #4: Ummm...is this the attack?  
  
Dr. Tomoe: NO IT IS NOT!! We're trying to set up the episode if you don't mind!!  
  
Band members: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! Don't go postal, Tomoe!  
  
Dr. Tomoe: That's better. Now, Kaorinite, do you have the target?  
  
Kaorinite: For the third time, yes!  
  
Dr. Tomoe: Who is it?  
  
Kaorinite: He is a pure-hearted man who (music starts again)  
  
Dr. Tomoe: THAT'S IT! YOU GUYS ARE FIRED! CLEAN OUT YOUR DESKS!   
  
Diamohn egg: Um, I've been hovering here for quite awhile. Isn't their something I should be doing?  
  
Kaorinite: Oh, just go already! (Diamohn egg flies out the window, leaving a large hole in the glass) You know, the door was open!! Jeez, they always have to use the window.   
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
(Scene 2: Tokyo)  
  
(The Sailor Scouts are in the middle of an art museum, standing with a young man, who, unbeknownst to them, is the diamohn's next target.)  
  
Serena: Remind me again why we have to meet this guy.  
  
Amy: Shhh! He's the target for today. We always have to meet them at the beginning of the episode.   
  
Serena: Oh, yeah.   
  
Man: Okay, let me introduce myself. I'm Bob.  
  
Mina: What kind of a name is that for a Sailor Moon character?!   
  
Raye: Never mind, Mina. Bob is a perfectly sensible name for a man. Besides, at least they can spell his name correctly. I mean, come on! Rei, Raye! There's no difference in the pronounciation, and the first way looks better anyway!   
  
Lita: Alright! Alright! Calm down, and let's get on with it. (to Bob) Okay, it's nice to meet you. I'm Lita, that's Amy, Serena, Mina, and Raye.   
  
Amara: Don't forget us! I'm Amara Tenoh, and this is my cousin, Michelle Kaioh.   
  
Bob: Okay, that was weird. It sounded like you said "cousin" but your mouth said "lover."   
  
Amara: Nonsense. I distinctly said she was my clover.   
  
Bob: Your what?  
  
Amara: My co...lo...clo...I have to go. (Aside) God, I'm so confused!   
  
Michelle: Never mind her. Like she said, I'm Michelle Kaioh, and I can do practically anything more beautifully than you. Would you like to see my art gallery?   
  
Bob: Uh...sure.   
  
Michelle: Right this way.  
  
(Leads Bob and everyone else to her art gallery.)   
  
(Shows them a picture of a storm on the ocean. So like her, ain't it?)  
  
Michelle: This is one of my greatest paintings, which I call "Noah's Ark."   
  
Bob: Where's the Ark?  
  
Michelle: It sank.  
  
Bob: What a happy thought.   
  
Michelle: (dully) I'm a very happy girl.   
  
Serena: Michelle, can you explain to me why the lable on your painting says it was painted by someone named "Kaioh, Michiru?"   
  
Michelle: Oh...um...well...You see, my name is Michelle, but it's spelled like Michiru.   
  
Mina: Either that, or you have a twin sister we don't know about.  
  
Raye: Don't be silly, Mina. It's just like how the it says "Mamoru" on Darien's door.   
  
Mina: Oh. Then can you explain why we're valley girls from Tokyo?  
  
Raye: We're not. You're just trippin'. (Audience members moan and cover their ears) What did I say?  
  
(Suddenly, out of nowhere, a really pissed off Diamohn egg appears)  
  
Diahmon egg: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I would like to get on with my part! It's not a big part, not at all! Fly out of the lab, infect some poor idiot's prized possession, turn into a she-demon, attack, and die! No, not a big part at all! Oh, but I intend to do it right! Now I believe by now I should be merging with Bob's doomed item, except that I can not choose what to infect without knowing WHY THE HELL I'M ATTACKING THIS GUY!! So, stop yaking, and KINDLY INFORM THE AUDIENCE WHY THIS GUY'S HEART IS SO DAMN PURE!  
  
Lita: Jeez, Tou-chy!  
  
Amy: (whispering) Cloverway cut her salary in half.   
  
All: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!   
  
Serena: So, Bob, why is your heart pur--er, um, why do you like art.   
  
Amara: Real subtle, Serena.   
  
Bob: Well, you see, I've always wanted to be an art dealer because then I could trade really good pieces for money and retire to the Bahamas.   
  
(Blank looks from the senshi. Then, finally:)  
  
Amy: THAT'S the basis of your "pure heart?!"   
  
Bob: But...  
  
Michelle: No need to check this one. No way it's going to be the right crystal.  
  
Bob: Wait! You don't understand!   
  
Serena: It's gonna take me hours to figure out a speech to go with that!   
  
Diamohn egg: Well, you're on your own, sucker! I've got my target, and I'm outta here! (Leaves, laughing maniacally)   
  
Artemis and Luna: Does anyone realize that we have not been in this fic yet?   
  
White Wave Dancer: No. Now go away.  
  
Darien: Hey, I haven't been in here, either!  
  
White Wave Dancer: GO AWAY!! (Luna, Artemis, Darien, and White Wave Dancer start fighting)  
  
Amy: (Wisely ignoring them as the Sailor Scouts walk arm-in-arm into the sunset) Don't worry, Serena. You'll have plenty of time to come up with a speech during the commercial break.  
  
Raye: And you'll probably manage to flunk a few tests and pig out on cookies on top of that.   
  
Serena: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! You're mean, Raye. (Slaps White Wave Dancer for her momentary lapse of creativity)  
  
Mina: Wait a minute! This episode isn't over, is it?  
  
Lita: NO! IT'S JUST THE COMMERCIAL BREAK!!  
  
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Listen to Lita, people! This fic is NOT over! This isn't even the end of part 1! I just wanted to get this up, so you can check it out. And PLEEEEEEEEEEEZE review it! I might not put up the conclusion to this episode, and certainly not part 2 if I don't get any reviews! Oh, just a few little notes, I know Haruka would not outright say that Michiru is her lover, but for this fic, it works. Okay? Okay. Thanks, and stay tuned!   
  
  



	2. After the commercials

Sailor Moon S(poof)  
by  
White Wave Dancer  
  
Author's Note: Here's Chapter 2! This is still Part 1, though, so I'm still using the dub names. Don't worry. This chapter will make a smooth transition from dub to sub...well, maybe not smooth, but oh well. Anyway, enjoy more of my insanity in Sailor Moon S(poof) chapter 2!  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
Sailor Moon S(poof)  
Part 1: Kaorinite  
Chapter 2: After the Commercials (I'm so creative)  
  
(Scene 1: Somewhere in Tokyo)  
  
T.V. Person-Guy: We now return to Sailor Moon.   
  
Random Feminist: Couldn't make it a "Person-Girl," could you?  
  
Serena: Ahhhhh!! The author's rambling in a wierd way! Quick! Let's get started!  
  
(The scouts all run in and stand around for a while.)  
  
Raye: What's supposed to happen now?  
  
Amy: Well, usually, we would have a bit more of the story unfold, except that with the Diamohn's current target, I don't think that's really possible.   
  
Lita: Then, what do we do?   
  
Michelle: Well, Amara and I have to go change into our Sailor costumes so we can be ready to make our surprise entrance.   
  
Amara: Wouldn't it be easier just to transform when the Diamohn appears like everyone else?  
  
Michelle: No, because we don't have a transformation sequence yet. Technically, the inners aren't even supposed to know our identities yet.   
  
Amara: Even though we look exactly the same as we always do?  
  
Michelle: I don't get it either. Of course, Mina and Serena couldn't figure out you were a girl at first either, even though your name and your voice are a dead giveaway.   
  
Mina: Hey! We were just following the script!  
  
Amara: You people insult me. (She and Michelle leave)   
  
Serena: Do those two confuse anyone else?  
  
All: Huh?   
  
Serena: There's something about them. Like they're more than they say they are.  
  
Lita: Well, they are Sailor Scouts.   
  
Serena: That's not what I mean!! Oh, forget it!  
  
Luna: I want to know when we are going to get a place in this fic!   
  
White Wave Dancer: Oh, alright already! I'll write you in!  
  
(Luna and Artemis walk by.)  
  
Artemis: Hi, Mina!  
  
Luna: Do your homework, Serena! (They leave)   
  
Raye: Okay, that was strange.   
  
Darien: Now, what about me?  
  
Serena: Oooooooooooo! Yes! Bring Darien in! Bring Darien in!   
  
White Wave Dancer: Look, if you insist on being a part of this, I can write you in as Tuxedo Mask. (grins evilly) Of course, that means you'll have to think of a speech to go along with the target.  
  
Darien: Woah! Forget it, sister! No way! (runs off yelling like a maniac. Serena pouts)  
  
Serena: Darien's not really out of the fic, is he?  
  
White Wave Dancer: No way. He asked for his part, he's gonna have to think of a speech to go with it! Hee hee.   
  
Mina: Does anyone else think the author's a little crazy? (All the scouts raise their hands)  
  
White Wave Dancer: Let's skip onto the attack scene, shall we?  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
(Scene 2: Bob's house.)  
  
Bob: La dee da dee da! I'm going to polish my brass cowbell! (Goes to the cupboard to get his bell, and lo and behold, the diamohn pops out. Betcha didn't see that one comin'!)  
  
Diamohn: Aha! I am a heartsnatcher! My name is Cowgirl!   
  
Bob: Ya don't say?   
  
Diamohn: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Give me your pure heart!   
  
Bob: Why should I? It's mine!   
  
Diamohn: (Kicks him across the room) 'Cause I'm the sexy lady in a cow costume with magic powers! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!  
  
(Meanwhile, the Sailor Scouts just "happen" to be walking by Bob's house when he runs outside with the Diamohn hot on his heels)  
  
Bob: Why am I running like this?  
  
Diamohn: You don't want our attacks to destroy your house?  
  
Bob: Oh yeah.   
  
Serena: Oh, no! It's Bob!  
  
Amy: Transform!  
  
Serena: Um, we were just about to do that.   
  
Amy: Well...good.   
  
Serena: Moon Cosmic Power!  
  
Amy: Mercury Star Power!  
  
Raye: Mars Star Power!   
  
Lita: Jupiter Star Power!  
  
Mina: Venus Star Power!  
  
(The Sailor Scouts dance around for a few minutes, until they are in their Sailor uniforms)  
  
Sailor Moon: Stop! (Of course, the Diamohn stops) The Bahamas are a beautiful place! You chould not stop people from going there! I am the champion of justice, Sailor Moon! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you! (to herself) God, that sounded stupid.   
  
Diamohn: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! (She exposes her black star, even though she has to strip to get to it, and takes out Bob's heart crystal)  
  
Sailor Moon: (Stares at the naked Diamohn) Only in America!  
  
Mars: This is made in Japan, you idiot!   
  
Mysterious Old Man: That's right, little Missy!   
  
Venus: Who are you?! (Uranus and Neptune suddenly appear)  
  
Uranus: Blah, blah, speech, speech and all that crap! (Sorry, I got a little lazy)  
  
Neptune: I've got the crystal! And...what a shock! It's not the right one! (Notices the mysterious old man) Who is this?  
  
Mysterious Old Man: My name is Merlin Magic Man. And I declare that Cloverway has been deceiving you! (The author begins running from anyone with legal powers who recognizes that line. I'll explain later!)  
  
Jupiter: How so? I haven't noticed anything wrong.   
  
Merlin: Why would Americans put so much sex in their cartoons when their movies have so much already?  
  
Jupiter: Good point.   
  
Merlin: First things first. Uranus, Neptune, you two are not cousins.   
  
Uranus: No?  
  
Merlin: No. In fact, you're actually lovers.   
  
Sailor Moon: I knew it! I knew there was more to them than they were saying!   
  
Uranus: THAT'S why I've been so confused!   
  
Neptune: I just KNEW someone so sexy couldn't really be my cousin!   
  
Uranus: You know, I never realized how cute Sailor Moon was...(Neptune smacks her.)  
  
Merlin: Oh, and by the way, Your names aren't your real names either. (Tells them their real names because I'm too lazy to write out what he's saying.)  
  
Neptune: Well, I guess that explains the lable on my painting...  
  
Sailor Moon: And the name plate on Darien's door.   
  
Uranus: And the name printed across the front of my old racing jacket.   
  
Neptune: I always thought that was one of your sponsors or something.  
  
Uranus: Nope. Apparantly it's my name. Good to know.   
  
Diamohn: Ah, yes. The truth will set you free. Now, can we get on with my part?   
  
Sailor Moon: Alright, attack me.   
  
Diamohn: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Leather rip! (Well, you try thinking of enough cow references to fill a whole Sailor Moon fic! Anyway, the diamohn attacks them. Suddenly, a rose cuts through the air and hits her in the head.)  
  
Tuxedo Mask: Sun, sand, and pure-hearted retired folk! It's a wonderful combination, and I can not allow you to upset those with their dreams set on such a scene! (To himself) Not half bad if I do say so myself. (Please don't.)   
  
Sailor Moon: Tuxedo Kamen-sama!   
  
Tuxedo Mask: Huh?   
  
Sailor Moon: Never mind, I'll explain after I get rid of this thing!  
  
Tuxedo Mask: Now, Sailor Moon!   
  
Sailor Moon: I was just about to, Tuxedo Kamen-sama.  
  
Tuxedo Mask: Why do you keep calling me that?  
  
Sailor Moon: MOON SPIRAL HEART ATTACK!! (Diamohn screams and dies of a heart attack.) I think my scepter might be on the fritz. Oh, well, the diamohn's dead.   
  
All: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!  
  
Venus: Wait a minute! There's one thing I still don't understand! Why the heck was Bob the target today? Why is is heart considered so pure?  
  
Bob: Had you let me explain before the commercials, I would have. The whole reason I didn't become an art dealer is because I decided to be a vet. Because I just wuv wittle aminals!   
  
Scouts: ?????????????  
  
*End of Episode*  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
Did you like it? Well, then stay tuned for part 2, when Eugeal and her easy bake oven hit the scene to attack a brand new target! Oh, and I promised to explain about that one line: It's a take on a line from the movie "The Mists of Avalon," when the Lady of the Lake accuses her sister of deceiving the people of Camelot. And have you ever noticed how the first few Diamohn had their black stars in really sultry places? Okay, I'll shut up and let you review my story. 


	3. Eugeal (chapter 1)

Sailor Moon S(poof)   
by   
White Wave Dancer   
  
Author's Note: I'm at it again! Here's Part 2! Eugeal and Chibiusa hit the scene, and the cast must overcome pressing music problems with hilarious consequences. Oh, and I felt so bad for leaving poor Artemis and Luna out of Part 1 that I deceided to give them a really big part here. (Evil grin)   
Luna: I don't like the sound of that.   
White Wave Dancer: HEY! You're not allowed in the author's note!   
*************************************************************************************************   
Sailor Moon S(poof)   
Part 2: Eugeal   
  
Chapter 1   
  
(Scene 1: Usagi's house)   
  
Usagi: Ho hum. Life is so boring.   
  
Luna: What do you mean?! You've got your high school exams to study for, new enemies, mysterious senshi, and Chibiusa is back again! How can you say life is boring?   
  
Usagi: It's just boring. I don't have anything to do right now. And we already know who the "mysterious" senshi are   
  
Luna: You looked ahead in the script, didn't you?   
  
Usagi: Yeah, during the commercial break in part 1. It's awfully convinient when you're not there to stop us.   
  
Luna: (pouting) Oh, hush. Well, don't worry. I get the feeling something interesting will happen very soon.   
  
(And I get the feeling Luna shouldn't have said that. Let's check up on Dr. Tomoe, shall we?)   
  
*************************************************************************************************   
(Scene 2: Death Buster's Lab)   
  
Tomoe: (talking into the phone) Eugeal, this diamohn oven is most impressive and efficient. Tell me again how you made it.   
  
Eugeal: (talking into the phone while sitting at her computer) I just made a few modifications to my Easy Bake Oven, and beefed it up with a little magic.   
  
Tomoe: It's really brilliant! Now I don't have to waste so much time actually making the diamohns.   
  
Eugeal: And with my new computer program, we can chose our targets without having to go out and look for them, which saves even more time.   
  
Kaorinite: You just don't put the same kind of effort and care into making your diamohns and selecting targets anymore, do you?   
  
Eugeal: Is that Kaorinite? I thought she was dead.   
  
Tomoe: Well, I'm trying to bring her back to life. You know, using some new methods of magic.   
  
Eugeal: Trying? Sounds like it worked pretty well already.   
  
Tomoe: Well, actually, it's worked almost perfectly. It's just that, every once in a while...(Suddenly, there's a large crash, and Kaorinite is seen dancing around the lab with a lampshade on her head.) Erm...let's just say I need to run a few more tests on those potions I used. I think there may have been a little something...extra...in them. (Yeah, you know what I mean!) No! Bad Koari! Stay away from the lab rats!   
  
Eugeal: I'm not going to ask.   
  
Tomoe: By the way, Eugeal. Do you have any idea why there's no background music playing?   
  
Eugeal: You fired the band?   
  
Tomoe: No! Not those morons! What happened to the guy who plays that nice violin music we always have in the lab?   
  
Eugeal: I think the violinist is sick today.   
  
Tomoe: Well, shoot! I can't unfold my evil plans without that nice music! Hmmm...   
  
(Meanwhile, elsewhere, Michiru is giving a concert. Suddenly, a gang of thugs jump on her and drag her away. A few minutes later, back at the lab...)   
  
Michiru: (Holding her violin) I do NOT feel I am obligated to do this!   
  
Tomoe: Oh, c'mon! Please? I really need some music!   
  
Michiru: I was right in the middle of a concert! Haruka was watching! I bet she's wondering where I am!   
  
(Back at the concert hall)   
  
Haruka: Say, wasn't Michiru onstage just a few minutes ago? (Agents J and K from "Men in Black" appear suddenly, holding neuralizers)   
  
K: No, ma'am, she was not. (There's a flash. Well, we all know what happened then, right?)   
  
(Back at the lab)   
  
Tomoe: C'mon, Michiru. The faster you start playing, the faster we can get on with our scene, and the faster you can leave. Remember, without the first scene, there's no evil plan, no episode, no fight scene, and certainly no talisman.   
  
Michiru: Oh, fine. (Aside) The things I'll do for my mission. I don't even know who GAVE me that mission! Hmmm, I wonder what's for dinner tonight?   
  
Tomoe: Thank you. Now, Eugeal. Who are we going after today?   
  
Eugeal: Actually...a cat.   
  
Tomoe: A cat?!   
  
Luna: (suddenly appearing out of nowhere, looking panicky) A cat?!   
  
Eugeal: (Not noticing Luna) Yeah, a cat. You know, that talking black furball that always shows up with Sailor Moon. Since she's a magic cat, and on the good guy's side, I thought she'd be a perfect choice. (Luna begins to look slightly ill)   
  
Tomoe: Eugeal, not to be rude, but...you do know that the holders of the talismans have to be human, right?   
  
Luna: Yeah! That's right! They have to be human!   
  
White Wave Dancer: But wasn't Luna originally a human in the manga? (Author's Note: I don't know this for a fact, it's just what I've heard.   
Luna: (very nervously) And that means we really can't trust her judgement on that, right folks?   
White Wave Dancer: Didn't I warn you before about getting into the Author's Notes?)   
  
Eugeal: (Getting back to the fic) If she was human once before, she probably still has all the same qualities as she did in her human form. And that could include a talisman.   
  
Tomoe: A reasonable thought. (Luna cowers) Just one snag. This is the anime. NOT the manga.   
  
Eugeal: Oh. Right.   
  
Luna: (triumphantly) Which means you can not assume I was ever human which means I can not hold a talisman because as far as you know, I am just a talking cat. (White Wave Dancer sulks in a corner.)   
  
White Wave Dancer: There goes your big part, Luna!   
  
Luna: I think I'll survive.   
  
Eugeal: Who cares about her part? Now, I don't have a target!   
  
Tomoe: And it's almost time for the commercials! What are we gonna do?   
  
Eugeal: I don't think there's much we can do. I mean, I could always try to find a new target during the commercials, but that would mean the Sailor Senshi don't get to meet them beforehand.   
  
Usagi: (popping out of nowhere) You mean I'd have to do my speech cold?!   
  
Chibiusa: (stepping out of thin air) Why is everyone popping out of nowhere today?   
  
Usagi: I don't think I can do that!   
  
Chibiusa: Pop out of nowhere?   
  
Usagi: No! Do my speech without knowing anything about the target!   
  
Michiru: Can I PLEASE stop playing now?   
  
Tomoe: No! The scene isn't over yet!   
  
Usagi: Chibiusa, you'll help me think of a speech, right?   
  
Michiru: I am really getting tired!   
  
Chibiusa: No way! I'm too busy thinking deep thoughts, like what eyebrows are for! Besides, I'm not good at on-the-spot stuff. (Usagi starts wailing)   
  
White Wave Dancer: Will everyone shut up?! (Of course, no one listens)   
  
Artemis: (suddenly appearing) I'm confused. Let's go to commercials.   
  
*************************************************************************************************   
Okay, in case you couldn't tell, I was reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally hyper when I wrote this part. Keep the reviews coming, and stay tuned for the next chapter, when the music problems continue, and my favorite show tunes make their way onto Sailor Moon! :)


	4. A short...strange...break

Disclaimer: this chapter of my spoof was written by my brother. He's on Froot Loops, so just forgive if you find anything offensive, rude, out of place, irrelevant, not having anything to do with sailor moon at all, or just plain stupid. He can be like that.   
  
  
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(Usagi and co. are at Hikawa Shrine, studying as usual)  
  
Ami: so... if we take the R vector to be a coefficient of x then that means the Q has to be divisible by four. Of course, if you don't subtract the value m, you will get an improper fraction.  
  
(Usagi, Minako, Makoto, and Rei, stare at Ami in disbelief as she disconnect the cell phone she was talking on.)  
  
Rei: So uh... who was that, Ami-chan?  
  
Ami: Oh that was just my calculus teacher, Proffesor Mashasi. He sometimes calls me when he needs a little help with multivariable equations. He isnt that bright (at least, compared to me) but his heart is pure and his intentions are good.  
  
Usagi: so anyway, how do you do this problem , AMi-chan?  
  
(Rei hits Usagi over the head)  
  
Usagi: what was that for?!?!?!?  
  
Rei: I don't know, i just like hitting you in the head.  
  
Luna: Don't you see?!?! How can you fools be so blind to the harsh, predictable reality that is Sailor Moon S??? It should be obvious that this Mashasi is th Death Buster's next target.  
  
Minako: Hey guys... i gottan idea... why dont we go to see Professor Mashasi... to... help us... study...?  
  
All: oh yes, definitely, yeah why not, etc.  
  
  
(scene changes to Mashasi's lab)  
  
Makoto: why does this guy have a laboratory? I thought he was a calculus Professor.  
  
Mashasi: (enters, flanked by Haruka and Michiru) I'll field that one. You see, the animators are what you might call frugal. They take the background cells for Tomoe's lab and bleach them so the appear cheerier.  
  
Makoto: okay, so what are you two doing here?  
  
Michiru: We could ask you the same question.  
  
Makoto: Bullshit!!! No you couldn't! You two are always where we are!!! It's nuts!!  
  
Haruka: Our sails seem to be riding the same winds of destiny.  
  
Makoto: What the frick are you talking about? That is the worst explanation I've ever heard! I'm outta here! (leaves through the nearest possible exit)  
  
Ami: Hello Professor Mashasi.  
  
Mashasi: Please, call me Mashasi.  
  
Ami: Don't you have a first name?  
  
Mashasi: That is my first name.  
  
Ami: Okay... but then... oh forget it.  
  
Usagi: So uh.. Mashasi, what do you do here in your... lab?  
  
Mashasi: I dunno... pure... noble stuff.  
  
Usagi: sweet!  
  
Mamoru: (emerges from behind a piece of machinery) Hey Usako, what are you guys doing here?  
  
Minako: The tides of our sails were blowing... or some crap like that.  
  
Mamoru: Well, I'm conviniently Mashasi's lab asisstant and just happened to be helping him today.   
(there is an akward moment of silence)  
  
Usagi: So uh... is there something we should be doing right now?   
  
Michiru: Not that I can think of.  
  
Usagi: So uh... don't we need reasons to exit right about now?  
  
(Haruka's eyes glaze over as she stares into nothingness)  
  
Haruka: A sweet scent is being carried on the wind of unhealthiness. There is a sale at the Krispy Kreme.  
  
Michiru: (utterly tonelessely) Let's go. I'm hungry.  
  
Usagi: Hey I wanna go too!  
  
Mamoru: Let them go Usako, there probably wouldn't be enough for all three of you anyway.  
  
(cherry blossoms)  
  
Ami: Ow I got a blossom in my eye!  
  
Mamoru: Here, I'll get that... you know I... never noticed what beautiful eyes you have. There so.. shiny... they're almost blinding.  
  
(Usagi does that stupid thing where her pupils disappear and here forehead turns all black and smoke comes out of her hair)  
  
  
[DOO DOO DOOO DUDU DOOOO SAAALIOOR MOON SOOOPEER!!!]  
  
  
Author's note: after an angry Usagi hit me over the head with a wrench i have decided not to have any form of romance between Ami and Mamoru. Geez, I was only trying to spice things up a bit. I mean, for cripes sake!  
  
  
(Tomoe's Lab Tomoe is in his boxers with Eugial in a thong bikini pressing against his buff pecs)  
  
Tomoe: What the hell?  
  
Eugial: Oh Professor!  
  
Tomoe: Get off of me!!! And put some clothes on for God's sake. Eugial, have you chosen the next target?  
  
Eugial: Uh.. duh, Doctor! It's that stupid Mashasi guy!  
  
Tomoe: Ah yes, I have prepared a Daihmon for the purpose.  
  
(a beaker is put into the little daihmon box as "BEAKINGORINGALING" is heard. Eugial gets into her van but the little moving platform thing wont move)  
  
Eugial: Uh... Tomoe, the thingy wont work.  
  
Tomoe: I You're in a van aren't you?!?!? Doesn't it have wheels? Doesn't it have an engine?  
  
Eugial: Well, yeah but I like to move while I'm buckling in. It saves time.  
  
Tomoe: and how much time have you wasted complaining about it to me?  
  
Eugial: I dunno, a couple of minutes.  
  
Tomoe: (still smiling, of course) SO JUST GET MOVING!!!  
  
(Maniacal laughter)  
  
(Mashasi is in the school parking lot when Eugial drives in and attempts to park in a compact car space)  
  
Eugial: steady... (scratches the door) dammit! (breaks off the mirror on the other car) crap! (Tries to open the front door but realizes that there isn't enough room) Oh for the love of- (crawls out of the back door)   
  
Mashasi: (who for some reason hasn't left yet) who are you?  
  
(everyone appears and transforms. Eugial shoots Mashasi with her gun)  
  
[okay, okay this is getting a little routine. lets try something different. what would sailor moon be like with an influxuation of the WWF]  
  
Tuxedo Mask: DOO YA SMEEELLL WHAT THE MASK IS COOKIN'!!!  
  
Sailor moon: Tuxedo Mask? Where's your hat and mask and flowers?  
  
Tuxedo Mask: Screw that! It's ass-kickin' time!!  
  
[okay, that was a bad idea. maybe a Seinfeldish scenario would work better]  
  
Tuxedo Mask: I mean whats with the flower throw anyway? Flowers are supposed to be nice not hurt people. WHat is up with that?  
  
Jupiter: Hey, since when do you call it the flower throw? How about the flower fling?  
  
Mars: I could see it being called the flower fling.  
  
[ugh. i think im gonna puke. lets throw some DBZ in there]  
  
Eugial: yes... ever since I was created in Doctor Tomoe's lab, world domination has been my goal... (camera plays across her eyes dramatically. A flashback) I was created with the cells of some of the worlds greatest fighters. I wsa raised on the sound of doctor Tomoe's voice until my ultimate transformation had been reached and i was ready to go into the world.  
  
[okay maybe this was a bad idea period]  
  
(Eugial removes her lab coat to reaveal her kinky outfit)  
  
Tuxedo Mask: Why dont you dress like that, Usako?  
  
Usagi: . . .  
  
(Haruka and Michiru appear [as usual] and do their little speech thingy0  
  
Eugial: BEAKERINGALINGEROO ATTACK!!!!  
  
(the daihmon appears and attacks, shouting its name)  
  
Haruka: this crystal isnt a talisman either [big surprise!]  
  
(for a second nobody does anything)  
  
Jupiter:so um.. that Daihmon sure is tough...  
  
Mars: yeah...  
  
(another five minutes of Silence)  
  
Venus: Um... Now, Sailor Moon!  
  
Moon: Oh right... Moon spiral cardiac episode!!!  
  
BEAKERINGA-WHATEVER: LOOVELY!!!!!!  
  
(Eugial pulls out a gun)  
  
Eugial: That's it, I'm not letting you get away this time! you're all dead!!!  
  
[Sailor Moon's lawyers come to remind the author that nothing logical ever happens on sailor moon so the villans aren't allowed to use any attacks that aren't magical. The gun is instantly replaced by a magic wand]  
  
Eugial: SO long suckers!!! (She disappears)  
  
[oh what the hell? My only chapter is almost over already so lets just have one more influx. a soap opera]  
  
Haruka: I did it, Michiru, I slept with Usagi.  
  
Michiru: How could you?  
  
Haruka: Dont act all innocent! I know your secret. you're really straight!  
  
Michiru: Oh yes its true! I've been with Mamoru for ovver a year now!!  
  
Minako: (Gasps extremely loudly) So then who is Chibiusa's real Mother???  
  
Neo queen serenity: I am you idiots! I think I would remember giving birth. It wasn't exactly pleasant!  
  
Chibiusa: What do you mean mother?  
  
Neo Queen Serenity: you were a really fat baby, okay?  
  
(Tuxedo Mirage plays as the credits take us out)  
  
  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
White Wave Dancer: (laughing hysterically) Let me just reiterate: I DID NOT WRITE THIS CHAPTER!! The next chapter will pick up where I left off, so you can all stop screaming. 


	5. And now, back to the show

Author's Note: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Hope you all enjoyed my brother's little interlude. Ain't he a hoot? ;) Anyway, now that the power is back in my hands, I feel like causing a little mayhem. I'm so evil! 

*************************************************************************************************   
Sailor Moon S(poof)   
Part 2: Eugeal   
Chapter 2 

T.V. Person-guy: We now return to Sailor Moon. (Cut to a shot of the Random Femenist from Part I bound and gagged. The author winks) 

(Scene 1: The Death-Buster's HQ) 

(Eugeal, very excited, calls Dr. Tomoe, and taps her foot impatiently until he answers) 

Tomoe: Hello? 

Eugeal: A clown! 

Tomoe: What? 

Eugeal: I've found our target! It's a man who loves children, but can't have any of his own, so he dresses up as a clown and volunteers at hospitals, entertaining sick children. 

Tomoe: A most worthy target indeed! I'm impressed. 

Eugeal: I'm more impressed that the author actually to dream up a target we might actually go after. 

White Wave Dancer: Are you implying something not very nice? 

Tomoe: Uh, does it say why he can't have children? 

Eugeal: According to his files...he's gay. And ugly. 

Tomoe: (Eyes the crazy author warily) Why am I not surprised? 

White Wave Dancer: Don't worry. I'm completely off my rocker, but I've got a heart of gold. Hmmm, I wonder how many people I can scare with that line? 

*************************************************************************************************   
(Scene 2: The streets of Tokyo) 

(Usagi and the inners run like heck down the sidewalk) 

Makoto: Hurry, guys! We still have time to meet the target! 

Rei: Who is the target this time anyway? 

Ami: Fred. This guy who volunteers at the hospital where my mom works. His shift is almost over, so we have to hurry. Everyone remember our story? 

Minako: Yup, we're going to meet your mom. Then, we wait until he leaves, and follow him to the ice-cream parlor where he always goes afterward. 

Usagi: Mmmmmmm...Ice-cream. 

White Wave Dancer: Usagi-chan, this is not a "Simpsons" fic. 

Usagi: Must you keep popping in like this. 

White Wave Dancer...no. (slinks away. Hey! Stop cheering!) 

*************************************************************************************************   
(Scene 3: the hospital) 

(The inners run in panting. Conveniently, right into Fred.) 

Fred: Oh hi, Ami-chan. 

Ami: Hi, Fred. 

Fred: Here to meet your mom? 

Ami: Yeah, I'm having a sleepover tonight, and my mom's taking us all back to my house. Anyway, these are my friends, Rei, Makoto, Minako, and that one over there is Usagi. 

Fred: (points to Usagi) Her name is Rabbit? 

Usagi: Don't laugh. It's a reference. 

Fred: I'm not laughing! It's cute. Anyway, I gotta run. Bye, Ami-chan. 

Ami: Bye, Fred! (After a moment) To the ice-cream parlor! 

*************************************************************************************************   
(Scene 4: The aforementioned dessert place) 

(Fred digs into a banana split. In a nearby booth, Haruka and Michiru share a milkshake. How cute!) 

Haruka: Do you get the feeling something bad's gonna happen? 

Michiru: Nah. (They go back to their romantic treat. Suddenly, the inners burst through the door) 

Usagi: Haruka-san! Michiru-san! 

Michiru: Or maybe you were right after all. 

Usagi: What are you two doing here? 

Haruka: Trying to enjoy a romantic moment together like we never get to do because the episode always has to go on. You know, sometimes I really envy you and Mamoru-san. 

Rei: Cheer up, Haruka-san. It's only because you're supposed to be all mysterious, and we're not supposed to know that much about you guys. 

Haruka: Yeah, I guess. 

(Suddenly Eugeal's car crashes though the wall of the ice-cream parlor.) 

Eugeal: (shoots Fred) Captured! 

Ami: Err...hold that thought, 'kay? C'mon girls. We'll see you two in a minute or so. 

Michiru: Okay. (pulls out her wand) Let's go, Haruka. 

Haruka: I just had a thought. The violinist is sick today, right? 

Michiru: Yes, that's why I spent chapter one serenading the enemy. So? 

Haruka: Un, our henshin music is violin music. 

Michiru: Oh, no! No! No way! I am not playing my own henshin music! 

Haruka: But I hate transforming without music! 

White Wave Dancer: No problem, I've gotcha covered! 

Haruka: You have a Sailor Moon CD? 

White Wave Dancer: Even better! (flips through a CD book, pulls one out, and puts it in the CD player. She presses a button) 

CD Player: "Wasn't it goooooooood! (Oh, so, goood!) Wasn't it fiiiiiiiiiine! (Oh, so, fiiiine!) Isn't it madness! He won't be miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!" 

White Wave Dancer: Oops! Hee, hee. Wrong track. (presses button) 

CD Player: "When the moooooooooooooon is in the seventh house! And Jupiteeeeeeeeeeeer aligns with Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaars! Then peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeace will guide the planet! And loooooooooooooooooooooooooooove will stear the stars!" 

Michiru: "Aquarius?" 

White Wave Dancer: Who doesn't think of Sailor Moon when they hear this song? 

Haruka: Okay, that'll work. Let's go, Michiru! (They run off. Meanwhile, the author is lost in Broadway bliss.) 

White Wave Dancer: (singing) "This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius! The age of Aquariuuuuuuuuus! Aquariuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus! Aqua--" 

Familiar Voice: Hold it right there! 

(The author stops singing) 

Sailor Moon: No, not you! 

White Wave Dancer: "--riuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus!" 

Sailor Moon: (points to Eugeal, who is about to pick up the crystal) You! (Eugeal stops) How dare you disturb such a kind-hearted man! And on top of that, you destroyed an ice-cream parlor before I even got any ice-cream! For love and justice! The pretty soldier in a sailor suit! Sailor Moon! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you! 

Eugeal: Oh, crap! Appear before me, diamohn! 

White Wave Dancer: "Send in the cloooooooooooooooooowns!" (Suddenly realizing she can be heard) Where's the diamohn's attack music? 

Eugeal: Errr...Tomoe fired them. (to herself) Dammit, I knew that would get him into trouble eventually. 

White Wave Dancer: Aw, jeez! (Flips frantically through her CD book, picks one out, and puts it in the CD player.) 

CD Player: "Gomen ne sunao ja nakute..." 

Sailor Moon: Hey! That's my music! 

Neptune: (entering with Uranus) I thought you said you didn't have a Sailor Moon CD. 

White Wave Dancer: I don't! This thing says "A Treasury of Andrew Lloyd Webber!" (presses a button) 

CD Player: "Fighting evil by moonlight..." 

All: Ahhhhhhh! The dub! 

White Wave Dancer: I don't know HOW that got on there. (presses the button again) 

CD Player: "Sunset Bulevard, twisting bulevard..." 

White Wave Dancer: (smiles peacefully) Now that's more like it. 

Venus: But that's not even from Sailor Moon! 

White Wave Dancer: Who cares? (sings) "L.A.'s changed a lot over the years since those brave goild rush pioneers came in their creaky covered wagons..." 

Eugeal: Whatever. Diamohn! Get your butt out here! 

Diamohn: I'm Clowny! (Begins the standard battle, squirting the inners with seltzer and smashing pies in their faces. Suddenly, Chibimoon and Tuxedo Mask appear.) 

Chibimoon: PINK SUGAR HEART ATTACK!! 

White Wave Dancer: Now everybody say "Awwwwwwwwww!" (Which, of course, they do, because Chibiusa is totally adorable, and no one can convince me otherwise. Meanwhile, Uranus and Neptune go after the heart crystal.) 

Uranus: Nope. This isn't a talisman. 

Eugeal: Damn! Clowny, I'm outta here. You clean up, and get rid of these Sailor Sluts! 

Sailor Moon: MOON SPIRAL HEART ATTACK!! 

Clowny: Too late. LOVELY!! 

Sailor Moon: It is lovely, isn't it? 

Eugeal: Okayyyyyyyy. I'm leaving, like, right now! (Gets into her van and drives off.) 

Jupiter: You know, apart from chapter 1 and that whole music thing, the author actually made Eugeal's part kind of like a real Sailor Moon episode. 

Mars: Yeah, she did. Which is why I'm bracing myself for when the other-- 

(As she takes a corner on two wheels, Eugeal's van flips over and explodes. Silence.) 

Mars:...shoe drops. 

Mercury: That was unexpected. 

Sailor Moon: That's one less witch to worry about. 

(Meanwhile, the author is being pummeled by a crazy Eugeal fanboy.) 

Fanboy: You stupid author! How dare you kill off my beloved Eugeal! My girlfriend just broke up with me for having one too many fantasies about Eugeal, but that's okay because I was finally going to be united with the love of my life! But you killed her, you insane bitch! Arrrrrrrrgh! (Whacks her repeatedly over the head with a Eugeal-style diamohn gun) Die, author! Die! 

Neptune: That kid really needs to get a life. 

White Wave Dancer: A little help here! 

Eugeal's Ghost: Crap! I'm not supposed to die now! I'm supposed to die in the angsty episode where we find out that Uranus and Neptune are the holders of the talismans! 

Fanboy: (finally leaves off the author) Were it up to me, my sweet love, you would never have to die at all! (bursts into tears.) 

Uranus: Wait a minute! We're the owners of the talismans?! 

Eugeal's Ghost: Yeah. 

Uranus: Alright! No more hunting! 

Neptune: Let's celebrate! 

Mercury: But wait a minute! That's the episode where Sailor Pluto appears! Without that episode, there'll be no Sailor Pluto to stop time and save you when your helicopter explodes! 

Uranus: Oh, yeah...But now that we know who the holders of the talismans are, our mission is over, so we can get out of here anyway. 

Neptune: No, wait! We can't because Sailor Pluto has the third talisman, and we need all three to make the Holy Grail appear! 

Mars: But Eugeal's dead, so she isn't around to lure you guys to the cathedral and take out your talismans, so Sailor Pluto won't know to appear! (In the midst of all this confusion, a shadowy figure sneaks up on the senshi and whacks them all over the head, knocking them out. Cut to the author taking off her hat and trench coat.) 

White Wave Dancer: Whew! I solved that problem! 

(Sailor Moon appears with a large lump on her head.) 

Sailor Moon: No you didn't! Eugeal is still dead! 

White Wave Dancer: Piece o' cake! (Pulls out a red wig and puts it on.) 

Sailor Moon: (flatly) No. 

White Wave Dancer: Oh, fine! Call Pluto! We're having a cast meeting! 

************************************************************************************************* 

(Scene 5: The Gates of Time) 

(Pluto is ogling a naked photo of King Endymion when her cell phone rings. She answers it) 

Pluto: Hello? 

Usagi: Um, hi Setsuna-san. It's Usagi. (Pluto blushes and hides the picture. Suddenly realizing Usagi can see her, she takes it out again) 

Pluto: (seductively, to the photo) What's up, Your Majesty? 

Usagi: Huh? (Pluto blushes again.) 

Pluto: (in her normal voice) What's up, Your Majesty? 

Usagi: Uh, you know when you're supposed to appear in this season, right? 

Pluto: Yeah, in the episode where Eugeal learns that Haruka and Michiru are the holders of the talismans and lures them to the Marine Cathedral. 

Usagi: Well, there's a slight problem with the whole Eugeal thing. 

Pluto: What's that? 

Usagi: Well, um, we were in this fic, you see, and...um... 

Pluto: And? 

Usagi: And I'm afraid the author killed her. We're having an emergency cast meeting to figure this out. 

Pluto: Oh, for the love of! (Throws her phone on the ground. Remembering that it's a cell phone, she picks it up and turns it off.) 

*************************************************************************************************   
Next time: The cast meeting! 


	6. The Cast Meeting

Author's Note: Last time, I killed Eugeal off early. Since all the cast members are going spazztic, I've called a cast meeting. Guess they don't realize I can screw that up as bad as anything else. Hee hee.   
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Sailor Moon S(poof)  
by   
White Wave Dancer  
  
The Cast Meeting  
  
(Scene: One of those meeting rooms in some impressive skyscraper. The spirit of Queen Serenity sits at the head of a long table. On one side sit the author, the senshi, Mamoru, and the cats, who are engaged in the staring contest to end all staring contests. Setsuna looks exeedingly annoyed. On the other side sit Dr. Tomoe, Hotaru, Kaorinite, and the Witches 5, including Eugeal, whose battered and broken corpse is being cradled by a tearful Fanboy, at whom the author is making strange faces. Eugeal's ghost floats behind her chair.)   
  
Eugeal: (to Fanboy) You know, that's kinda disgusting.   
  
Fanboy: It's the only way I can hold onto you, my love!   
  
Serenity: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, all rise.   
  
Usagi: Mother, please. This is a cast meeting, not a trial.   
  
(Fanboy catches the author crossing her eyes at him, and glares at her. She whistles innocently.)  
  
Fanboy: I'd like to put her on trial.   
  
Setsuna: Whatever this is, make it quick. I was really busy ogling naked photos of King Endy--(catches Usagi's icy glare) Never mind.  
  
Haruka: I don't care if you are the Guardian of Time. You have GOT to get a boyfriend.   
  
White Wave Dancer: With all due respect, Your Majesty, Usagi-chan is right. We are here to solve the problem of Eugeal's untimely demise.   
  
Fanboy: At your hands! Your honor, I would just like to reiterate that this entire fiasco is her fault!   
  
Mimet: Hey, now! None of that! The problem is not Eugeal's death, because nobody likes her anyway.   
  
Eugeal/Fanboy: Hey!   
  
Mimet: The real problem is that she is a pivitol part in the episode where Sailor Pluto appears, and Sailor Pluto is a vital character in this season. Not to mention that I'M supposed to be the one to kill off Eugeal. (Glares at the author)  
  
White Wave Dancer: What is this, Author Resentment Day?  
  
Ami: Only for those who love Eugeal. (Eyes Mimet) Or who wanted to kill her themselves.   
  
Fanboy: Dumb blonde witch.   
  
Usagi/Minako/Haruka/Mimet: Hey!   
  
White Wave Dancer: Ooh! He's got three senshi and a witch mad at him, now! That blonde crack could cost him!   
  
Fanboy: I could say a few things about brunettes who talk too much, too.   
  
White Wave Dancer: But that just wouldn't be smart, now would it? You never want to get the author mad. Anyway, I'm not sure Mako-chan would like a comment like that, either.   
  
Artemis: Ha! You blinked, and I won!   
  
All: Huh?   
  
Artemis: I won! I won! I am the staring champ! (An evil gleam appears in Fanboy's eye.)  
  
Fanboy: (to Mimet) You, me! Right now. (They begin a staring contest. A moment later, he loses miserably.   
  
Setsuna: Can we please get back to the matter at hand?  
  
Usagi: Why, so you can go back to the Gates of Time, and drool over pictures of my husband?! How did you eve come by those?!  
  
Pluto: (blushes) I'd rather not say. But I can promise you he never posed for me. He never even knew I was there. (Well, that's saying a bit much, isn't it?)  
  
Mamoru: (also blushes) I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable with that.   
  
Usagi: Setsuna-san! I can't believe I trusted you!   
  
Setsuna: (crying) Oh, fogive me, Princess! I love him! Oh, woe is me, I would like nothing more than to steal him from you and marry him myself!   
  
Chibiusa: But, Puu! If you did that, I would never be born!   
  
Setsuna: (sniffs) And that's the only reason I don't try.   
  
White Wave Dancer: Because nobody wants Chibiusa to never exist. (Okay, I know some of you do, but humor me, please. Anyway, the cute little rabbit grins and curtsies)  
  
All: Awwwwwwwwwwwww!   
  
Serenity: Only my daughter would have been able to give me such a wonderful granddaughter!   
  
Fanboy: Oh, gag me!   
  
White Wave Dancer: If I weren't such a pacifist, I would.   
  
Makoto: Your Majesty, Usagi-chan is your only child, and therefore, your only source of grandchildren.   
  
Serenity: What's your point?  
  
Makoto: I dunno. I just wanted a line in this chapter.   
  
Hotaru: Me too, me too!   
  
White Wave Dancer: This is a cast meeting! You all get lines here.   
  
Michiru: And seeing how we are here to solve a problem, may I suggest we continue?  
  
Serenity: Yes, you may. Let's recap: Eugeal is dead, and she is an important part of the episode where Sailor Pluto appears, which naturally causes a big problem.  
  
Fanboy: (points to the author) It's her fault! It's her fault!   
  
White Wave Dancer: Stop that, you moron! We have already established the fact that I am not on trial here! Jeez, I don't even see what the problem is! I have to question how important to this season Pluto really is.   
  
Setsuna: Hey!   
  
Luna: She has the third talisman! Of course she's important!   
  
White Wave Dancer: Yeah, I know. But couldn't she just give it to you now? It would save us all a lot of trouble.   
  
Minako: But how could we explain that to the audience?  
  
White Wave Dancer: Oh, yeah...but what about the rest of the season? We could just have her show up, give you the talisman, and leave. I mean won't her affection for Chibiusa-chan just hold her back when you all go to kill Hotaru-chan?  
  
Hotaru: What?!  
  
Michiru: I don't think so. Setsuna-san knows where her loyalties lie. (The author gets a weird look in her eye, and scowls at Setsuna.)  
  
White Wave Dancer: Yeah, she knows alright. Wise Guardian of Time knows everything. Yet she still makes Chibiusa-chan, and Hotaru-chan, and everyone else go through all that crap just because she can't break the damn rules!   
  
Hotaru: Papa, she's scaring me!   
  
Tomoe: I know, sweetie. She scares everyone.   
  
Setsuna: Look, you know I'm not allowed to reveal anything, because Small Lady needs the experience to help her become a good Queen. And if you don't stop your stupid hinting, I'm gonna be in a lot of hot water with Neo-Queen Serenity!   
  
Usagi: Don't think you're not already! Love MY Mamo-chan, will you?  
  
Setsuna: I already told you I'm not planning to seduce him, so calm down!  
  
Usagi: Well, it's the principle of the thing! Mamo-chan is mine.   
  
Rei: Unfortunately...  
  
Usagi: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
White Wave Dancer: (slaps Rei) Nothing. Everyone knows the love between you and Mamoru is eternal, and nothing will ever come between you.   
  
Fanboy: You support Usagi and Mamoru, you support Haruka and Michiru, you support everyone except me and my Eugeal!   
  
White Wave Dancer: (slaps Fanboy) She's a villian, you idiot!   
  
Kaorinite: You support the inners and the generals, too.  
  
White Wave Dancer: But they make such a beautiful set of couples!   
  
Cyprin: Bullshit. It's because you're a sucker for tragic romances, and you know it.   
  
White Wave Dancer: Oh, it's true! (breaks down sobbing)  
  
Rei: We really aren't getting a lot done here, are we?  
  
Fanboy: (indicates the author) Blame her! It's her fault!   
  
Setsuna: Well, she's certainly managed to get me in more than my fair share of trouble.   
  
Tellulu: Hmph. Would the season really suffer all that much if you weren't there to uncover my evil plot and ultimately cause my death?  
  
Setsuna: Yes! Otherwise, Uranus and Neptune die when their helicopter explodes!  
  
Haruka: And nobody wants that!  
  
Fanboy: I do!   
  
Haruka: Shut up.   
  
Serenity: Okay, so we're all agreed that Pluto is a really important part of the season, and that we need the episode where she appears. Any possible solutions?  
  
Tomoe: Send a couple diamohn after Haruka and Michiru!  
  
Kaorinite: Have Tomoe kidnap 'em, and have Pluto save 'em!  
  
Fanboy: Kill the author!  
  
White Wave Dancer: That won't solve anything.   
  
Serenity: The problem with those solutions is that the motivation would be difficult to justify.   
  
Setsuna: Besides, I like the written episode! It's kinda sweet when Neptune goes staggering across the bridge like that.   
  
Minako: We really do need Eugeal, don't we?  
  
Fanboy: Everybody needs Eugeal!  
  
White Wave Dancer: I still have that red wig.   
  
All: No!  
  
Fanboy: As if you could ever match the beauty and sexiness of my beautiful and sexy Eugeal!   
  
Mimet: Would you shut up about Eugeal?! I hate Eugeal! I loathe the very core of her being, and I wanted to kill her! But because of that stupid girl, she's already dead! Well, maybe I can't kill her, but I can abuse her while she's in the afterlife! (Whacks Eugeal with her charm buster-thingy, sending her flying through the wall.)  
  
Makoto: Wow.   
  
Ami: I didn't think ghosts were so solid.   
  
Michiru: And she still went through the wall without leaving a mark.   
  
Fanboy: Eugeal! (Moves towards Mimet, obviously aiming to strangle her to death.)  
  
White Wave Dancer: Woah! Hey! Cut that out! Now, I know that tempers are kinda running short...  
  
Fanboy: Don't sugar coat it, you bitch! Arrrrrrgh! (Pulls out his diamohn gun and rushes at the author)  
  
White Wave Dancer: Oh, crap.   
  
Setsuna: What a disaster!  
  
Usagi: Don't be so pessemistic. I'm sure we'll come up with a solution.   
  
Rei: With her as an author? I doubt it!  
  
White Wave Dancer: I resent that! No matter how much you insult me, I'm still the author! I still have the power!   
  
(Suddenly, a woman who looks remarkably like Eugeal enters the room.)  
  
Woman: I am Laegue! (Fanboy stops whacking the author)  
  
Fanboy: (dropping his gun) My Queen! (Kneels to kiss her feet.)  
  
Laegue: I'm not Eugeal! I'm Laegue!   
  
Fanboy: Isn't that just Eugeal spelled backwards?  
  
Laegue:...no...(They are interrupted suddenly by the author clearing her throat. Fanboy turns, and finds her tapping the gun threateningly against her palm.)  
  
White Wave Dancer: I have had enough, Fanboy! I absolutely refuse to be abused by my own creations any longer! Come here!   
  
Fanboy: Uhh...sorry Eugeal...or Laegue...whoever you are...I gotta run now. Love you! Bye! (Kisses her, and runs away screaming with the author, still brandishing the diamon gun, in hot pursuit. The senshi and the Witches 5 look at each other, shrug, and join the chase. All those who are still there gape after them)  
  
Kaorinite: (Recovering) Say, Queenie, I'm beginning to think we've found the solution to our problem.   
  
Serenity: I think you're right, Kaorinite. Hey! I just made a rhyme! Anyway, the court will employ Ms. Laegue to play Eugeal in all the episodes up to her death, thus solving our predicament. (bangs her moon wand like a gavel.) Case dismissed.   
  
*************************************************************************************************  
Next time: It's Mimet's turn! Rei finally ditches her dinky broom and gets herself a leaf blower. And what is up with Haruka and Michiru?! An episode chock full of mysterious cherry trees, random movie stars, and...Spiderman? 


	7. At Home With the Tomoes

Author's Note: Damn, but these things are addicting! I just can't stop! Of course, I'm not getting the impression that you guys want me to stop, so I guess I'll just keep going until you all get sick of me.   
*************************************************************************************************  
Sailor Moon S(poof)  
Part 3: Mimet  
Chapter 1: At Home With the Tomoes   
  
(Scene 1: Somewhere in Tokyo.)  
  
(The night has descended upon Tokyo. The stars are like shining pins that hold the deep black blanket of sky in its place to prevent it from swallowing the thriving Japanese city whole. The air is warm, but not pleasantly so. It is heavy with tension, and reeks of forboding. Unrest in everywhere. That much is obvious, even to the common people, but they cannot say what is wrong, for it is a force that is far too big for them to understand. Upon a lonely hilltop, three shadowy figures cast their eyes over the sleeping city they call home, like parents who guard their slumbering children. Indeed, such an analogy is not all that far from the truth, for these three girls are among the few who know what is truly wrong, what dangers are really afoot in that prosperous metropolis below. They, all three of them, are Sailor Senshi. Specifically, the senshi of the outer planets, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto. As they stand upon the hill, gazing over the city with grim resolve, anyone can see that they carry a great weight on their shoulders. But few people will ever know just how great that burden really is.)  
  
(Haruka reads the above passage)  
  
Haruka: (to the author) Feeling extra descriptive today, are we?  
  
White Wave Dancer: I can't help it! My creative juices are coming out my ears!   
  
Michiru: Ewww!   
  
Setsuna: Could you be a little less graphic?  
  
White Wave Dancer: No! That's the problem!   
  
(Anyway, the three outer senshi stop looking out over Tokyo, and when their backs are turned, Godzilla attacks.)  
  
Godzilla: ROAR!!   
  
Mayor of Townsville: Sailor Senshi-girls! A giant lizard is attacking Tokyo! Hurry! (The outers all look at the author as if she has set her hair on fire and is now running in circles, squaking like a chicken.)  
  
White Wave Dancer: Just making sure everyone is still awake. (Godzilla disappears.)  
  
Michiru: Whatever. Anyway, guys, we've got to kill Hotaru.   
  
Haruka: No kidding. I hate her.   
  
Setsuna: Me too. Hotaru's mean.   
  
Haruka: Hotaru's stinky.   
  
Michiru: Hotaru smells bad.   
  
Haruka: I think stinky and smells bad mean the same thing.   
  
Michiru: Oh. Well, Hotaru's freaky. (Haruka and Setsuna murmur their agreement.)  
  
Setsuna: You know, I think she might even be the Messiah of Silence.   
  
Haruka & Michiru: WHAT?! ARE YOU NUTS?  
  
Setsuna: I don't think so...  
  
Michiru: Setsuna-san! I'm surprised at you!   
  
Setsuna: What?   
  
Haruka: Whaddya mean "what"?! You're accusing some weird little girl from our school of being associated with our biggest enemy!   
  
Setsuna: Well, she IS Dr. Tomoe's daughter.   
  
Haruka: I don't care if she's Queen Beryl's daughter! You don't just go around calling a little twelve-year-old girl the Messiah of Silence just because she was fathered by someone we think is fighting on the side of our biggest enemy! That is a very serious accusation!  
  
Setsuna: How the hell do YOU know about Queen Beryl?   
  
Haruka: Well, duh! She is the one who brought down the Moon Kingdom, isn't she?  
  
Setsuna: Yeah, but I'm not sure you two are supposed to remember that yet.   
  
Haruka: Well, it doesn't matter. You get my point about Hotaru.   
  
Setsuna: But I'm sure she's the Messiah of Silence!   
  
Michiru: Look, Setsuna-san. We all know Hotaru is mean and freaky and smells bad. But you don't really think she could be the Messiah of Silence, do you?   
  
White Wave Dancer: OF COURSE SHE DOES!! HOTARU IS THE MESSIAH OF SILENCE!!! That's why you guys want to kill her, not because she's mean or stinky or freaky, which she isn't! Well, freaky maybe, but that's because SHE IS THE MESSIAH OF SILENCE!!   
  
Haruka & Michiru: Oh. Okay. Well, I guess that means we have to kill her.  
  
White Wave Dancer: Setsuna-san, do you have any idea what is up with those two?   
  
Setsuna: Maybe they just need a little more sleep. After all, we've been having midnight meetings like this for the past three weeks.  
  
White Wave Dancer: Why do you guys always meet at night?   
  
All three: Because we're mysteeeeeeeeeeeeeerious. (They all wave their arms, trying unsuccessfully to create a surreal atmosphere. Moving on...)  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
(Scene 2: The Messiah of Silence's shrine. It is the next day. But you can't actually see that, so I guess it doesn't matter.)  
  
(The Messiah of Silence strokes a teddy bear. Author's Note: I just loved that scene!)  
  
Messiah: Before I kill you, Mister Bond...  
  
Tomoe: Wrong story!   
  
Messiah: Sorry. Darkness! Beautiful darkness! Oh, when will I see that beautiful darkness for which we all long for so terribly that we would...Ah, screw the mysterious stuff. Look, Tomoe. I need pure hearts, and I need 'em now.   
  
Tomoe: (bowing) Yes, Messiah. I live but to serve you!  
  
Messiah: (to herself) Ah, it's good to be the boss. It's too bad that I'll soon have to cater to Pharaoh 90. Oh, well, until then, I just gotta soak up all the good times I can. (to Dr. Tomoe)  
Now get going.  
  
Tomoe: Yes, ma'am. I shall consult Mimet about those pure heart crystals you keep ordering.   
  
Messiah: Good! Oh, and well you're out, I need some more dolls for my shrine.   
  
Tomoe: MORE?! But I just got you a whole case last weekend!   
  
Messiah: They got boring. I want more. China ones. With really fancy dresses.   
  
Tomoe: You know, I'm kinda reluctant to get you more dolls. I mean, they're expensive, and you rarely play with the ones you have.   
  
Messiah: Did I ask for a lecture? No! I asked for dolls! Get me some dolls!   
  
Tomoe: Hey! Watch your tone, young lady! I may be your subordinate, but I'm still your father!  
  
Messiah: No no no! Your SHELL is my SHELL'S father. Your just one of the pieces of dirt that I get to order around.   
  
Tomoe: Not so! I'm your father! And I demand a little respect!   
  
Messiah: Respect?! Respect?! You're a fine one to talk about respect, "Dad"! You stick me inside the body of a sickly little freak with creepy healing powers, who also "happens" to be one of those stupid Sailor Senshi!   
  
Tomoe: Hey! I was doing my best with the options that were available! You're lucky! You could have been stuck inside that fat rich lady with the whiny dog!   
  
Messiah: Yeah, yeah, and you would've been the dog! I've heard it all before! Well, sometimes I wish you HAD chosen the dog! At least you wouldn't have thumbs, and you wouldn't have been able to dress me up in this stupid clown suit! Oh, and let's not even go into the whole pure heart thing! Those damn witches are always screwing up their missions and you're consoling them while meanwhile, your "dear little daughter," gets weaker and weaker. You know something, Pops? I am really beginning to doubt if you love me at all! (bursts into tears)  
  
Tomoe: How can you say that when I built you this nice shrine?  
  
Messiah: It would be a nice shrine--IF IT WERE NOT IN SOME REMOTE CORNER OF OUR DISTURBINGLY LARGE BASEMENT!! You are really cruel, you know that! Giving me a shell saddled with health problems, dressing me in stuff that would make Bozo the Clown laugh, sticking me in the basement, and letting me decay! Well, if you can't give me pure heart crystals, you could at least shower me with really pretty dollies! (Falls off her throne and starts twitching on the floor)  
  
Tomoe: Uh...are you alright?  
  
Messiah: NO! I'm having a heart attack! A seizure! I'm going through pure heart crystal withdrawl! But don't mind me! Just go back upstairs and have sex with Kaori-san! I'll just lie here and die!   
  
Tomoe: ALRIGHT!! I'LL GET YOU THE STUPID DOLLS!  
  
Messiah: (sits up) Thank you, Papa dearest. (Climbs back onto her throne)  
  
Tomoe: (to the audience) I may be spoiling her, but damn, that girl can throw a tantrum!   
  
Messiah: Make sure they're really pretty dollies, okay, Papa?   
  
Tomoe: Yes, dear.   
  
*************************************************************************************************   
(Scene 3: Witches 4 headquarters)  
  
(Mimet sits at her desk, flipping through a movie star magazine. The phone on her desk rings. She picks it up.)  
  
Mimet: Hello?  
  
Tomoe: Hello and all that crap. Mimet, do you have our next target yet?  
  
Mimet: My, my. So huffy! What's up? Trouble with the Messiah?  
  
Tomoe: Yeah. Say, you don't suppose you could stop at Toys 'R' Us on the way home from heart-hunting today, do you?  
  
Mimet: Lemme guess. She wants more dolls?  
  
Tomoe: Pretty ones.   
  
Mimet: Gotcha. I'll get to it.   
  
Tomoe: Thanks. I knew I could count on you. Now about that target... (Mimet grins evilly)  
  
Mimet: You don't even need to worry about that.   
  
Tomoe: Huh? (Mimet holds up a poster that reads "Popular American male movie stars to participate in swimsuit contest in Juban park today.")  
  
Mimet: I've got it all figured out. Just you sitharanrala... (she hangs up the phone.)  
  
Tomoe: Something tells me I should be worried.   
  
Mimet: (Wipes her chin) Stupid drool!  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
(Scene 4: Hotaru's House)  
  
(Dr. Tomoe comes in from his lab looking tired and cranky.)  
  
Tomoe: I have never been so glad to leave the lab in my life. (Suddenly a loud crash is heard, and Kaorinite comes running down the hall with a small, purple house slipper in her hand. Upon seeing Dr. Tomoe, she stops, and hides the slipper behind her back.)  
  
Kaorinite: Professor! How nice to see you. Did you have a nice day in the lab?  
  
Tomoe: Actually, hellish would be a more appropriate description.  
  
Kaorinite: Aw, I'm sorry. How are the Witches 5?  
  
Tomoe: Um, there's only four of them now. Or did you forget that Eugeal is dead?  
  
Kaorinite: ...Poor Eugeal. So, how are the others?   
  
Tomoe: Kaori-kun, what the hell are you doing with that slipper?  
  
Kaorinite: What slipper?   
  
Tomoe: The one behind your back. (She takes it out.)  
  
Kaorinite: Oh, this? I was just, um...putting it away...in my closet...in my room...  
  
Tomoe: But you're wearing both your slippers! Besides, that one seems too small to be yours.   
  
Kaorinite: (looking hurt) Are you implying that I have big feet?  
  
Tomoe: No, I'm implying that that slipper you're holding belongs to someone with feet that are much smaller than yours. (Suddenly, a seriously pissed off Hotaru appears, wearing *gasp* one slipper.)  
  
Hotaru: Kaori-san, gimme back my slipper!   
  
Kaorinite: Gotta go! (runs off with the slipper, shrieking and giggling. Hotaru hops after her.)  
  
Hotaru: Hi, Papa! Bye, Papa! (She disappears. Another loud crash.)  
  
Tomoe: I have never been more eager to get in the lab in my life. I have really got to check the expiration date on those life-restoring potions. (Turns around and walks in)  
  
(Meanwhile, Hotaru has chased Kaorinite into the living room, where the red-haired witch is now hiding under the coffee table, clutching the slipper and grinning insanely.)  
  
Hotaru: C'mon! Just give it back!  
  
Kaorinite: No!   
  
(The doorbell rings.)  
  
Hotaru: Ha, ha, Kaori-san! Now you have to answer the door!   
  
Kaorinite: No, I don't! You do! (Sticks out her tongue. Hotaru sighs and goes to open the door. Standing on the porch is Chibiusa, escorted by Usagi.)  
  
Hotaru: Chibiusa-chan! Thank goodness you're here!   
  
Chibiusa: What's the matter?  
  
Hotaru: Kaori-san stole my slipper! She won't come out from under the coffee table!  
  
Chibiusa: I bet I can help. (Running into the living room, she pulls off both of Kaorinite's slippers and starts tickling her feet.) I swear, things get weirder every time I come here.   
  
Kaorinite: Eeek! Mercy! Mercy!   
  
Hotaru: Not until you give me my slipper!  
  
Kaorinite: Never! (A wild chase ensues. Much destruction.)   
  
Usagi: Okayyyyyyyyyyy...Well, I'd better get going. I'm gonna be late for the meeting at Rei-chan's place. (quickly runs away.)  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
(Scene 5: Dr. Tomoe's lab)  
  
(Dr. Tomoe picks up a bottle labled "Wake-the-Dead Stimulants," and reads the back. Frowning, he picks up the phone and dials a number.)  
  
Tomoe: Hello? Is this the "Happy Pauper Magic Shop?"...Yes, well I bought a bottle of your "Wake-the-Dead Stimulant" potion to revive a witch who had been killed when the Sailor Senshi beat her up and pushed her off the Tokyo Tower. Do you remember?...yes, I'm the guy with wierdo glasses...and the freaky daughter...big nose?! I do not have a big nose!...Okay, okay...anyway, I was reading the lable, where you quite clearly list the side effects, which include dry mouth, nausea, and total paralysis. Nowhere is there any mention of "dancing with lampshades on heads, chewing on lab rats, or stealing little girls' house slippers and hiding under coffee tables." Please explain...No, see I revived her so that she could play nurse to my little girl and cater to her every whim...What?!...You just come over here and say that to my face you little...Yeah, well *(censored)* you, buddy!  
  
White Wave Dancer: Oh, my! Such language! Perhaps a commercial break will help calm the professor down a bit. Role 'em!  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
Next Time: The insanity continues! Next episode: "When Cherry Trees Attack Movie Stars!" 


	8. When Cherry Trees Attack Movie Stars

Author's Notes: Well, Mimet's seeking movie stars, the inners are meeting at the Hikawa Shrine, a possibly intoxicated Kaorinite's playing nurse to Hotaru, who most definately has multiple personalities, and sleep-deprived Haruka and Michiru are scaring the locals. All's well with the world, ne?  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
  
Sailor Moon S(poof)  
Part 3: Mimet  
Chapter 2: When Cherry Trees Attack Movie Stars  
  
(Scene 1: Very near to the Hikawa Shrine.)  
  
(Haruka and Michiru are walking by the shrine, when suddenly, a strange roaring noise causes the birds to scatter from the trees.)  
  
Haruka: What the hell?! (They both hurry over to the shrine to see what's going on. In front of the temple, they find Rei wrestling with a leaf blower, resembling a cowgirl on a bucking bronco.)  
  
Rei: Down, boy! Down! Damn this murderous machine!  
  
Usagi: Hi, Haruka-san! Hi, Michiru-san! Did you see...Rei-chan...got a leafblower.  
  
Michiru: Uh, yeah. We saw.   
  
Rei: (flying past on the leafblower) The devil take it! It's from hell I tell ya! (Suddenly, it is pointed at Michiru, and blowing a storm of leaves at her.)  
  
Michiru: Aaah! Turn it off! Turn it off!  
  
Haruka: I'll save you! (Grabs the leaf blower and smashes it against the pavement. The inners are momentarily stunned into silence.)  
  
Rei: Haruka-san...you killed my leaf blower...  
  
Haruka: Er...sorry.  
  
Rei: No, don't be sorry! You're a genius! I've been trying to figure out how to tame this thing all day!  
  
Ami: Rei-chan, allow me to introduce you to a little thing called an on/off switch. (goes over to the "dead" leaf blower and points to a little black knob on the front.) A very handy thing. You turn it one way, the thing goes on. You turn it the other way, the thing goes off.   
  
Rei: Well, why didn't you show me this before?  
  
Ami: Frankly, I didn't think you would be able to hold onto it.   
  
Makoto: So basically, the only way for Rei-chan to tame the leaf blower was, in fact, to smash it against the pavement?  
  
Ami: Basically, yeah.   
  
Makoto: Go figure.   
  
Rei: (kicks the "dead" leaf blower) So long, you mechanical monster. May you burn in the hell from whence you came. Sorry about that, Michiru-san.   
  
Michiru: Erm, no problem. What are all you girls up to?   
  
Minako: I'm glad you asked that question. (Holds up the same poster we saw Mimet looking at earlier.) We were just about to go down to the park to see the American male movie stars in that swimsuit contest. (She, Makoto, and Rei all grin evilly, while the others look just a little bit frightened.)  
  
Rei: Yoodoowannaagum?  
  
Haruka: What?  
  
Rei: (wipes her chin) Stupid drool. You two wanna come? (Haruka and Michiru exchange a VERY meaningful glance.)  
  
Michiru: Ehhh, how 'bout "no"?  
  
Rei: (blushes) Oh. Right. Sorry. (Looks extremely uncomfortable.)  
  
Haruka: Oh, come on! Lighten up, will ya? (Rei slaps on a big ol' grin.) Ehhh, tone it down a bit. Now you're scaring me.   
  
Rei: (gnashing her teeth) Grrrrrrrr...  
  
Haruka: Now I'm REALLY scared.   
  
Michiru: I wonder if that leaf blower's personality somehow rubbed off on her?  
  
Haruka: Michiru, I suggest we get out of here. (winks flirtatiously at the inners, much to Michiru's annoyance.) See ya, girls.   
  
(As the two of them leave, about a handful of cherry blossoms flutter past them.)  
  
Michiru: That's funny. I never noticed that cherry tree before. (shrugs and walks off with Haruka.)   
  
Rei: (sighs) I better get to sweeping up those cherry blossoms  
  
Ami: Rei-chan, can I ask you a question?  
  
Rei: Shoot.   
  
Ami: Why the hell are you always sweeping?! I mean it never looks as if you actually move those leaves and crap anywhere at all!  
  
Rei:...I don't know...  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
(Scene 2: The beach)  
  
(Haruka and Michiru are walking hand-in-hand along the beach. Meanwhile the sunlight makes the water all sparkly and so very pretty.)  
  
Michiru: Now this I like!   
  
Haruka: No kidding! It's so much more fun than fighting villians and trying to kill little girls.   
  
White Wave Dancer: (suspiciously) Now you two behave yourselves during this scene. I'm trying to keep the rating of this fic as low as possible.   
  
Michiru: Talk about a mood killer. Damn her. (Suddenly, the wind begins to blow, sending more cherry blossoms in their direction. Haruka stops short)  
  
Michiru: Isn't that the same cherry tree we saw over by the shrine?  
  
Haruka: Michiru! My spider sense is tingling! Mimet is up to her old tricks! (They both run off, leaving a confused author behind them.)  
  
White Wave Dancer: Did she just say what I thought she said?   
  
(Cut to New York, where Spiderman is perched atop a skyscraper)  
  
Spiderman: The wind is rustling over by the Daily Bugle. Something bad's about to happen.  
  
*************************************************************************************************  
(Scene 3: The park)  
  
(The inners sit in the chairs that are lined up in front of a big wooden stage. Mimet appears, laden with dolls, and trying to carry her diamohn case at the same time.)  
  
Mimet: Maybe I should have gone doll shopping AFTER heart-hunting. (Sits down by the inners)  
  
Usagi: That is a LOT of dolls.   
  
Mimet: They're for my Messia--er, I mean, my sister.   
  
Usagi: Uh-huh. (whispers to Ami) Boy, that blonde lady in the scarf and trench coat sure looks familiar.   
  
Ami: (whispers to Usagi) Do you think we should be suspicious of the fact that she's carrying a white case with a black star on it?  
  
Usagi: Nah. At least, not yet. I'm trying NOT to die before Crystal Tokyo.   
  
Ami: Huh? (Usagi points to Rei, Makoto, and Minako, who are all foaming at the mouth, and indeed, looking ready to murder anyone who gets in the way of them and their American movie stars) Oh, I see what you mean.   
  
Rei: Damn, girls but this is gonna be sweet!  
  
Minako: No kidding!   
  
Makoto: You know, I'm surprised Usagi-chan isn't more excited about this.   
  
Usagi: I've already got Mamo-chan! Anyway, if their American, they probably speak English, and you all remember what happened the last time I tried to speak English. (the others all look at each other, trying not to laugh, and not having much success.)  
  
Minako: Pudding is relative! (Everyone except Usagi cracks up.)  
  
Usagi: Oh, shut up.   
  
Ami: Oh, yeah, Usagi-chan! You had too much juice, alright! Too much GRAPE juice! (The others all give her blank looks)  
  
Minako: Huh?  
  
Ami: Wine. You know, wine is made from grapes?  
  
Minako: No, actually, I didn't. Is it really?  
  
Ami: Oh, forget it. It's never as funny when you have to explain it.   
  
Rei: Shut up! It's starting! (Sure enough, the stage has lit up, and the American movie stars have begun sauntering out.)  
  
M.C.: Let's have a big round of applause for...Sean Connery!  
  
Mimet: What?! What the heck is that old man doing up there?  
  
Minako: Search me.   
  
M.C.: And let's hear it for Danny DeVito!   
  
Usagi: Ewwww!  
  
Makoto: You know, he kind of looks like my old boyfriend.   
  
Usagi: Methinks Mako-chan needs some new glasses.   
  
Ami: But she doesn't wear glasses.   
  
Usagi: My point exactly.   
  
M.C.: Bill Murry! Robert Deniro! Tim Allen!   
  
Rei: This is just disgusting! What the hell is going on here?! (Cut to a scene in some darkened room. The author stands there, grinning evilly at Cary Elwes, Keanu Reeves, and Leonardo DeCaprio, who are all bound and gagged.)   
  
White Wave Dancer: Leo DeCaprio?! What the hell are you doing here?! Get out and don't come back until you make a better movie! (Throws the still bound and gagged "Mr. Titanic" out on his ass. She shudders.) Ewwww, I can't believe I touched him! (Grins and Cary and Keanu) Now, about the two of you...  
  
Keanu: The author's lost it.   
  
Cary: Heaven help us...  
  
(Cut back to the park, where Mimet and the inners are growing more and more annoyed by the display. As they glare at the stage, Haruka and Michiru slide into the row behind them.)   
  
Haruka: Hey, girls!   
  
Ami: What are you two doing here? I thought you didn't want to come.   
  
Michiru: We don't. But we got the feeling that something really bad was gonna happen here, so we decided to check it out.   
  
Minako: You bet something bad is happening! Look at that stage!  
  
Michiru: Ewwwwwwww!   
  
Haruka: Why the heck would you even want to come to this thing in the first place?!   
  
Rei: Well, how were we supposed to know it would be like this?  
  
Mimet: (ripping off her disguise) Okay! That's it! I've had it! I don't care who it is! I'm gonna get my pure heart and go home! (Suddenly, Mr. Titanic hops onto the scene, still bound and gagged.)   
  
Leo: Mmm! Mmmm mm mmm! (Mimet gets this really weird look in her eyes)  
  
Mimet: Or maybe I do care after all. Appear, Diamohn!  
  
Diamohn: Screamingfemalemoviegoer! (Attacks Leo! Yayyyy!)   
  
Makoto: Uh-oh!   
  
Haruka: See you in a few minutes, girls! Michiru! Let's go!  
  
Michiru: Right! (Meanwhile, everyone else transforms.)  
  
Sailor Moon: Hold it right there! How dare you interrupt a nice afternoon in the park!  
  
Venus: How dare you get in the way of a swimsuit contest involving male American movie stars!  
  
Mars: How dare you attack the only handsome guy in the whole damn thing!   
  
Jupiter: You unhand that heartthrob this instant! (suddenly, out of nowhere, a door opens, and the author sticks her head out.)  
  
White Wave Dancer: Don't listen to 'em, Mimet! Death to Mr. Titanic! (disappears)  
  
Mercury: Say, wasn't that the author?  
  
Venus: I think it was.   
  
Jupiter: Screw that! We have to save Leo! Sparkling Wide Pressure!   
  
Screamingfemalemoviegoer: Damn you! Movie tickets shaped like piranha fish!   
  
Jupiter: Help! They're biting me!   
  
Neptune's Voice: Deep submerge! (The piranah-shaped movie tickets begin leaping happily in the magical waves.)  
  
Jupiter: Way to go, Neptune. Now I'm wet, AND I have piranhas in my fuku.   
  
Uranus' Voice: World Shaking! (The piranhas die)   
  
Jupiter: That's better. (Uranus and Neptune appear. More cherry blossoms.)  
  
Uranus: Guided by a new era--  
  
Neptune: (grabbing Uranus by the arm) HARUKA, I SWEAR THAT CHERRY TREE IS FOLLOWING US!!  
  
Uranus: Don't be rediculous, Neptune! A cherry tree can't...hey, I think you may be right.   
  
Sailor Moon: IT'S A DIAMOHN IN DISGUISE! KILL IT!! (Runs up to the tree and begins whacking it repeatedly with her Spiral Heart Moon Rod. The others watch her in bewilderment.)   
  
Tellulu: (suddenly appearing) That's MY idea! Mimet, you aren't stealing my ideas, are you?!   
  
Mimet: Of course not!   
  
Props manager: That tree is just a part of the scenery, Neptune. We're kind of on a tight budget. We can't really afford another cherry tree right now.   
  
Neptune: Oops. Sorry. My mistake.   
  
Mercury: Sailor Moon, leave that poor tree alone! We have to stop the real diamohn from getting Leo's pure heart.   
  
White Wave Dancer's Voice: Finish him! Finish him! As if his heart is really pure!   
  
Mimet: Wherever you are, SHUT UP!! (Suddenly, out of nowhere, Spiderman appears! Betcha forgot about him, huh?)  
  
Spiderman: Excuse me, is there a Ms. Tenoh Haruka, a.k.a. Sailor Uranus present here?  
  
Uranus: Uhhh...that's me. Who are you and how do you know my idenity?  
  
Spiderman: Never mind that, sweetheart! You stole my line!   
  
Uranus: What the hell are you talking about?   
  
Spiderman: Earlier today, I was sitting on top of the Empire State Building when I felt my spider sense telling me that something was up over by the Daily Bugle. I was about to web-swing on over there, when I said to myself, "Why did I just tell the audience that I'd felt the wind rustling when what I really felt was my spider sense?" I was baffled!  
  
Uranus: Come to think of it, earlier on, I did feel the wind rustling...and I think I did tell Michiru something about a tingly spider. Heh, heh...   
  
Mercury: (whispering to Neptune) Um, has Uranus suffered any major blows to the head recently?  
  
Neptune: Besides the one the author gave her?  
  
Mercury:...  
  
Uranus: Alright, Spiderman, I apologize for stealing your line. Now for the important part. How did you know the whole wind line was mine, and HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW MY IDENTITY?!  
  
Spiderman: (pulls out a big, fat book entitled "Common Super Heros and their Catch Phrases.") This book! Superheros are classified by thier catch phrases, and it gives you all the information you could ever want on any one of them. I must say, you are a very interesting read. Did you really die a thousand years ago?   
  
Uranus: Ummm...yes. I didn't even know I was listed anywhere.   
  
Spiderman: Actually, your whole team is profiled, right here in this book. (The senshi exchange looks)  
  
Uranus: (pulls out the Space Sword) In that case, I'm gonna have to kill you.   
  
Neptune: You know, we Sailor Senshi kinda like to keep a LOW profile.   
  
Spiderman: Eep. (Runs away screaming with Uranus, brandishing the space sword, in hot pursuit.)   
  
Uranus: New York is gonna have to rely on the Gargoyles from now on, Mr. Spandex!   
  
Leo: Hellooooooo! Did you guys forget about me?! I'm the one about to have his heart swallowed!  
  
White Wave Dancer's Voice: SHUT UP!!   
  
Mars: Oh, yeah. BURNING MANDALA!!   
  
Screamingfemalemoviegoer: OW!! HOTHOTHOT!! More movie tickets shaped like piranha fish! (the piranhas surround Neptune and the inners just as Setsuna walks by, licking an ice-cream cone)   
  
Sailor Moon: Setsuna-san! Help us!  
  
Setsuna: Sure thing. (whispers) ICE-CREAM!! (Throws her ice-cream cone at the diamohn.)  
  
Screamingfemalemoviegoer: YOW!! COLDCOLDCOLD!!   
  
Sailor Moon: SETSUNA-SAN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!   
  
Setsuna: (rolling her eyes) Now, Sailor Moon. (Walks away, ending her completely pointless appearance in this chapter.)  
  
Sailor Moon: Damn her. CRISIS--Hey! Stop chewing on the Grail!--MAKE UP!! (transforms and does her attack. The diamohn dies.)  
  
All: Phew!   
  
White Wave Dancer's Voice: Damn!   
  
Jupiter: Where the heck is she speaking from?! (Suddenly, Spiderman crashes through the scenery, and stumbles into the darkened room where the author is forcing Cary and Keanu to act out scenes from thier movies with her. Uranus falls on top of him. For a moment, the two parties just stare at one another.)  
  
(Uranus/Spiderman),(Author/Keanu/Cary): Now this is something I really didn't need to see.  
  
Cary: Miss, I couldn't help but notice that you happen to have a sword. Do you think you could KINDLY SET US FREE FROM THIS MANIAC.   
  
White Wave Dancer: NONONONONONONONONO!  
  
Uranus: Uh, sure. But first, Webhead down here is gonna promise to take the Sailor Senshi OUT of his stupid superhero book.   
  
Spiderman: (eying the space sword) Alright, Alright! I'll see what I can do!   
  
Uranus: Good. Pleasure doing business with ya!   
  
Spiderman: Yeah right. (Uranus cuts Cary and Keanu free. As they run away with Spiderman, the author glares at Uranus.)  
  
White Wave Dancer: I am so gonna get you for that.  
  
Uranus: Heaven help us all.   
  
*************************************************************************************************  
Next Time: Uh, I haven't decided yet. But mark my words, I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! 


End file.
